For you my Love
February 11, 2009 by Rosemary Shirley
Filed under Stephen's Family & Friends
I have never felt so helpless in my life. I have never felt so young and yet old at the same time. I have never questioned the meaning of my life the way I have since this disease stole my happiness. The world is cruel and unloving. I struggle for normalcy and to step foot out of my house each day. I am a slave to my house, my debts, my anger, my hopelessness, my broken dreams. I could scream til I became hoarse, and it would be useless. Where is God? Why is He silent when I need Him the most? The cancer has bled into the most sacred and vulnerable part of my soul. My beloved husband has suffered in its wake. Hope is a double-edged sword. Without it, there is nothing. With hope I am left desperate, wanting, casting futile prayers to the heavans. Am I a fool? Maybe the world is random chaos void of goodness. To watch the one person in the world that you would give your life for suffer through the tortures of disease, trials, procedures, hospitalizations, and the fear of death itself is unbearable. I cannot save you my love. I would give anything to see you happy again, without the fear I’ve come to know looking into your eyes. If I could, I would give you a sacred garden where your music could flourish and flow freely from you spirit. I would give up everything to see you healthy again. Sleep evades me when I need it the most. I wake up terrified with the nagging feeling of impending horrors, calculated in such a perfect way, that they would destroy the strongest being alive. I am a zombie stumbling through life with outstretched arms waiting, grasping, yearning for a firm foundation. I was not made for this world. What are God’s promises? He is holy. How could I possibly fathom what He wants for me, and from me? I am alone. I am abandoned. We are abandoned. The only numbing solice to be found is being with my love, my husband. I envy your faith and strength, for I am mortified of being left behind. The blackness consumes me. I await a new day….
Always and Forever,
Rosemary
My dearest sister, my soul has sensed the despair and darkness that consumes you for quite sometime now. And yet when I see you or talk to you, words evade my mind. I know nothing to say to you that would be meaningful or eternal, only superficial daily happenings. As I sit here and pray with tears in my eyes, I confess to my God my longing to do something for you. For Stephen. But God reminds me, that my longing is only a glimpse of His heart. A mere reflection of HIS longing to embrace you as a Father grabs hold of a child whom he came so close to losing. If I feel this strongly, then how strong does Christ Himself feel towards you right now? Believe it. It’s true. He misses you so much. He has not left you. He has followed you from day one. And never left your side. His reach for you is ever there. His arms are open wide. Do you see them? I do. Turn around, He’s right there. Waiting. Though what you hold dear seems to be slipping away, your God never will. His presence is not dependent on anything of this world. What happens here is not a gauge of His love for you. Have you lost much? Yes. Does He love you less? No. Does all of life threaten you with fear, heartache, and hardship? Yes. Does it mean He has left you? Abandoned you? No. This world tells us, “when bad things happen, where is God? He has left you. He has turned His back on you.” But that’s a lie. God says, “I will never forsake you.” And it is NOT POSSIBLE for our perfect God to break a promise. It’s just not an option for Him. Sometimes the feelings we feel are so strong, they begin to manipulate what we know. That’s when we need to stop everything, feeling, doubting, questioning, and fall on our knees and repeat what we KNOW. “Be still and KNOW that HE IS GOD.” His word never tells us to FEEL He is God. Know it. I love you.
Sister
Rose,
thank you for your honesty. I wish I could help you through this. I feel so helpless, and it is only a fraction of how you must feel. If you ever want someone to drag you out of the house (or hang with you there), just let me know. Or if u ever want to just call someone and cry or scream, i’m available. We’ve got some laminated things to hang on Stephen’s wall at the hospital – a couple verses, some silly Fllight of the Conchords’ quotes, etc. Let us know when we can bring them to you or to him.
Love,
Tara